air pegasus

I need to approach my weight loss like a ‘normal’ person. I get frustrated and give up because I can’t starve like I used to. And maybe I will never be like that again. But it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. It’s like I feel if I can’t starve my way to 100lbs, there’s no other way. What happened to just eating smaller portions? Saying no? Doing it like a normal person, not this disordered person I am. 

I am so sick and tired of this. When does it end?

I think I will go grocery shopping tonight after work…I’m obsessed. I get so excited about stocking my kitchen with healthy foods :)

My new favorite snack: gluten free rice cakes with laughing cow cheese

I have so many mixed emotions about food/weight/exercise throughout the day. A sampling of my thoughts…

“I used to be SO thin…I can’t believe that was my body”
“I don’t want to be like that any more…I want to be fit and toned”
“Ugh I am so far away from that thigh gap”
“I’ll skip the gym today since nutrition is 90% of how I look anyway”
“I should go to the gym…even if I’m not as thin as I was, I can at least be toned”
“My body responds to weight lifting too fast…my thighs are so muscular”
“If I exercise then I can burn off some calories”
“If I exercise then I’ll just be hungrier, what’s the point?”
“Oh I feel kind of thin right now!”
“Um, my arms look massive”

It’s like my mind is constantly shifting and fighting against a variety of thoughts. I want to be thin like I used to be, but I also just want to BE

For the past couple of months I have occasionally had soy milk in my cereal, but usually I have had half and half or coffee creamer in my coffee and almond milk in my cereal. Today I bought a soy latte…and I seriously feel like my stomach is going to rip open. I drank about a quarter of it before noticing that my chest/stomach were starting to hurt but I figured it was because it had been 5 hours since breakfast and sometimes my stomach feels bloated when I go too long without eating. So I ate my clif bar and I continued to drink…and then realized it was probably the soy :( Which means eating the clif bar with the soy latte was the dumbest thing ever. My stomach is REALLY bloated and my jeans are now digging into me uncomfortably. This isn’t like “I ate too much” bloating but actual serious/painful bloating that is making it difficult for me to even sit comfortable in my chair. I have two more hours at work and I feel so sick. I am hunched over at my desk trying not to yell out in pain. Oh my god…

I still haven’t weighed myself, and honestly I doubt I’ve lost any weight, but I feel so much better being in more of a routine. Packing my food, packing my gym clothes and just getting to gym classes is making a huge difference in how I feel. I know that once I’m in a gym routine it’s so easy to go, and right now I feel like I’m in that in between stage where it’s make it or break it. So, I am going every day to reinforce it as a habit. 

I used to wake up at 5:15am EVERY DAY before work. Every damn day. I packed my lunch and gym bag before work, slept in my workout clothes (and even had my Garmin on my wrist - seriously) and was at step class or in the weight room by 6:00. I worked out for an hour minimum, and usually closer to 90 min. 

I didn’t feel “drive” or “motivation” - I just did it, no questions asked. I went to the gym. It was just what I did. And now it takes effort and motivation to get my ass onto that spin bike. But I’m doing it. And everyday that I do it is one day closer to that feeling of this is just what I do. 

The batteries in my scale are out so I can’t weigh myself (probably for the best…) but I am feeling so much more motivated. I’m glad I’m back on track! Of course there are things I could tighten up with my eating (like my hazelnut coffee creamer…sob) but overall my eating is cleaner and healthier and this week I went to the gym Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday! I didn’t go Wednesday because I was feeling ill, but that’s okay :)

Here’s what my workout schedule looked like this week:

Monday: pilates, 1 mile run, 20 min elliptical, 20 minute NTC
Tuesday: spin class
Thursday: 20 minute HIIT on the treadmill, 25 min lower body weights (squats, deads, etc.)
Friday: 45 minute NTC workout
Saturday (today): spin class 

Yeah! A good mix of cardio and strength, lots of variety and intensity. Now off to spin!